Pot. Kettle. Black.
By a show of hands, how many of you have ever heard of or used the saying “it’s like the pot calling the kettle black”? Where I grew up, it was pretty common and admittedly it’s a more polite way of saying that someone is being a hypocrite. Since Pennsylvania was my original home, it seemed only appropriate that the saying came from the Pennsylvania Dutch, they were pretty good at sayings like this. However, as I have come to learn "the pot calling the kettle black" may be of Spanish origin, dating back as early as the 16th century and it later showed up n the 1620 translation of Don Quixote. So here we are FOUR HUNDRED YEARS LATER and it’s still used the same, to describe a person who was guilty of the very same thing that they accused another person of. All I can hear is someone saying “you’re a mess” and then hearing “no, you’re a mess” back.
Do you ever find yourself smack dab in the middle of an argument between two people? They could be friends, siblings or even co-workers. For the sake of this article, I’m going to stick with a safer co-worker scenario as admittedly it’s less charged than talking about those family “pot calling the kettle black” scenarios and there are plenty of those out there. But you know the verbal tennis match that I’m talking about … it’s the one where one person says or does something to the other person and then that other person retaliates in kind, and it all escalates into a “tiff”. Neither one can recognize that they are complaining about the very same thing that they too are guilty of! Maybe they go back and forth via email or perhaps text and at this stage of the game, you as their co-worker are blissfully not involved. You are happily going about your day, living your best life.
And then it happens. You run into one of them at the coffee machine, or one perhaps they join you for one of those long slow walks to your car at the end of an exhausting day, and bam! you’re involved. They’ve come to you before, and they know you will listen to their woes. It’s that old game of “pickle in the middle” and ultimately who gets to you first to see whose side you’re on. Person A let’s call her Sophia, complains about Person B, who I am going to call Charlotte. Sophia tells you her side of the story and says, “Can you believe that Charlotte actually did/said that to me?” And then Sophia waits and watches your face anxiously. She wants to see if number one, she got to you first and trust me, she can tell by the look on your face as body language says so much more than words but number two, Sophia wants to see if she was able to sway you over to see her side of the story. All the while you are thinking to yourself, here we go again, these two argue but it’s always like “this is like the pot calling the kettle black”. You listen like the good co-worker and friend that you are but hoping that she wraps it up quickly so you can get back to your work or your life because deep down you know that this is just a tempest in a teapot and within a few days Sophia and Charlotte will be back to being friends again.
Up next? Your phone rings or perhaps Charlotte casually walks into your office with a cup of coffee in hand and an innocent look on her face but you are in the middle of doing something that has a deadline. You look up and swallow your dread because you know what’s coming … you’ve already heard Sophia’s side of the “Pot. Kettle. Black.” story. Charlotte doesn’t bother to ask if you have a minute, she invites herself into your life, sits down and starts talking about her side of the story. Once again you sit there, nodding your head and making noises when Charlotte gets into her details and says, “Can you believe that Sophia actually did/said that to me?”. Perhaps you add a look of sympathy so Charlotte feels better and sees that you are paying attention. All the while you are thinking “this is the pot calling the kettle black”, so you keep shuffling papers across your desk hoping that Charlotte will catch on. You are too polite to ask her to leave. This is where your relationship with healthy boundaries should be kicking in but I’ll get to that a bit later.
When it’s all said and done, you are left between the “pot” aka Sophia and the “kettle” aka Charlotte, feeling pretty bad about the hours spent in the middle because they are hours you will never get back. Let’s face it, they don’t want your opinion on the topic of the argument unless you happen to agree with their individual offended point of view. And Heavens if you disagree with them or try to point out the similarities, you will now be considered “the enemy” or at the minimum, a “bad friend”. Not to mention the potential of being shunned by both of them if you were to quietly share that their sides of their stories are the same, delivered almost verbatim! You must demonstrate your loyalty. Both Sophia and Charlotte want to be seen as being right so where does that leave you? Do you side with one over the other? Do you let them just run their course and hope they don’t put you in the middle the next time? Do you perhaps try to place the Peacemaker, attempting smooth things out? Or do you find a way to practice healthy boundaries with them and maybe get them to shift their perspective?
Ironic because nine times out of ten, the simple, one topic problems typically escalate into a multitude of injustices that have happened in the past between the two culprits. To top that off, you as the Peacemaker gets dragged into the middle and once Sophia and Charlotte are finished “dumping” their perspectives and perceived injustices, they walk away feeling better. They stand in your doorway saying “thank you, I feel so much better now … you are such a great listener” and there you sit … not only behind in your work but left holding the bag of negativity from THEIR STORIES all the while wanting to say to the two of them “Pot. Kettle. Black.” But Sophia and Charlotte don’t want to hear how much alike they are so you are left holding onto that kettle but let me reassure you, this too is entirely your choice. Again, I point to the need for healthy boundaries as the role of the listener or Peacemaker.
You may have noticed that I use “her side of the story”. As human beings this is what we do. We try to justify our reactions to the other person in order to make ourselves feel better about the perceived injustice that has happened TO US … and then try to recruit everyone over to our side, again trying to reinforce our belief system. And even as I type this, it feels so much like high school and a psychic “gang up” on someone.
By saying “her side of the story”, I consciously avoiding using the word “truth”. Why? Because “her side of the story”is influenced by her/his individual perception of what actually happened.
Investigating the Truth …
I compare this to when the police are investigating a crime and they call in the witnesses. They look for clues that overlap as they search for the truth, recognizing that people don’t remember exact details because our memories surface influenced by our past experiences.
For example, to one person who is 4’11” in height, a crime was committed by someone who was “tall” when in reality the bad guy was actually 5’6”. To someone who is 6’5”, the perpetrator would have been seen as short. Extreme example but it gets my point across. In the case of this article, Sophia and Charlotte are reacting to one another through the filters of their past which has influenced their individual belief systems. So you can ask yourself, are they reporting fact or are they sharing their opinion? What tv show had that famous line “just the facts ma’am, just the facts”. Unfortunately that is not what we get! As a Peacemaker, we are left muddling through information.
Someone wise once said to me, “Yvette … there are two sides to every story and the truth lies somewhere in the middle.”
As a manager of a wide variety of personality types, this advice was brilliant and a simple reminder to find the truth in the middle. Now the question comes, what can we do about it? It’s not always about digging for the truth, it’s finding the place from where the perspective comes from. The root cause of the reaction so to speak. Here is an interesting and juicy exercise I’ve used in workshops.
Take out a piece of paper and make a list of at least five people that you don’t like. You can know the person intimately or you can know the person through social media, either way, it really doesn’t matter because it is our PERCEPTION that guides the initial part of this exercise.
Now take those names and write them across the top of a piece of paper.
Under each name begin to make a list of all of the things you DON’T like about that person. It can be something simple or something extreme, just start writing. Really did deep here, much can be revealed in this process.
Once you have the lists of DON’T LIKE, go back to that list and see if those dislikes are actually secret envies.
Circle the secret envies and contemplate how you can one or two of those envies to your advantage. Meaning, if you envy that trait, is it something you can incorporate into your personality and behavior patterns? At first it might be hard to do because we have viewed it as a serious character flaw in someone for a long time but one thing I can tell you is that it’s freeing. Not only do you get to “try it on for size” but the dislike of the person seems to melt just a bit and the new found freedom of being a different version of yourself brings a fresh perspective into your life and your experiences. You actually begin to feel more “neutral” and less reactive when that person steps in and out of your life.
Let me use myself as an example here …
There is a man that I know (while not personally, he’s a public figure) whose character flaws include rudeness, arrogance, and can be extremely condescending when talking to/about women. He is incredibly outspoken. When he’s being attacked, he never defends himself, he counterattacks. He doesn’t care what he says, or how it affects other people. He is narcissistic. He is the antithesis of a “statesman”. However, I secretly envy two of those adjectives. Number one is counterattack … when I am being “attacked” verbally, my first go to is to defend myself. As an only child I didn’t learn how to counterattack … who was I going to argue with, the cat? Now I will admit that I have been called a “smartass” more than a few times in my life and I have been described as “aggressive” when I fought for something that I knew was the right thing, back in the days when I was a Cruise Director. And I can’t tell you how many times I would love to have been that “bitchy character” that always shows up in the movies (and there is always at least one of them in the typical office environment) who says exactly what’s on her mind however for me, diplomacy has always been my strong suit and that trait has gotten me promoted more than once in my corporate career. So while I secretly envy it, I weigh my options strategically.
It’s when we make time to observe someone through a different set of lenses, that the desire to argue or get into a verbal tug of war lessens. We become a lot more responsive and way less reactive. And perhaps, just perhaps, the pot begins to recognize why the kettle is black. Remember the people we surround ourselves with are but mirrors and opportunities for our growth.
In Matthew 7:3-5, it is criticism of a less significant failing by those who are worse that is the target of the Sermon on the Mount: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
In closing, let’s close with the idea of “healthy boundaries” and no, this is not an oxymoron. The next time your Sophia or Charlotte walks into your office or calls you on the phone, just say “Hey, I would love to talk but I’m on a serious deadline right now. Can you come/call back sometime this afternoon or even meet me for lunch and we can talk then?” By the time they get back to you, the dust may have settled plus you will have earned their RESPECT. Why? Because you let them know that care about what they have to say plus you showed them that you are important to you. Your managers will appreciate the practice of healthy boundaries … productivity rises with all of you and you will have begun to free yourself in ways that you can only begin to imagine.